Pseudo is My Name

I always thought I was so rational.  That the things
in my head always have a good point.  It’s funny cause
it’s a very self centered way of thinking. 

Rationality is very complex.  It must be independent
of emotions, personal feelings or any kind of
instincts.  HAHA.  How could I have ever thought I was
rational???

~ AvA - Martini ~

Nobody is perfect. Even if you tried to be then
you’re not perfect. If you were, then you wouldn’t
have to try.

The beauty of being human is to be different. The
downfall of being human are our sins. It doesn’t have
to be a big sin like killing someone. It can be just
the little ones, like holding a grudge, or being
irrational…

The greatness of some human beings is that they can
unconditionally love someone despite the flaws. This
is the path to follow. This is the path that the
Saviour walked.

No matter what you said, say or will say. No matter
what you were, are now and will be. No matter what
you did, do or will do. I will always love you.

~ AvA - Martini ~

Skip Tracer
Vocals and Rhythm Guitar - Indi Bri
Lead Guitar - Anthony Martini
Bass Guitar - Sam
Drums - Ava* This is my band. We suck. But we love playing
anyway. We’ve only had one session with everyone
present. Most of the time it’s only three of us or
even just two of us.

It all started with me and Anthony. We would have
gone on with just the two of us, but it’s not easy
singing and banging on the drums at the same time.
Anthony plays the lead guitar. It’s really hard to
play the lead. Because it’s broken chords and it’s
like playing the piano on the strings. So he’s really
good.
Sam joined us in one session. Sam is my cousin. He
plays the bass. He had an injury on his left arm. He
used to play the rhythm, but his pinky isn’t as strong
as it used to be. So now he just plays the bass.

I told my brother that we play at a studio just for
fun. He wanted to try it. So Sam, Bj, and I rented a
studio. Brian wanted to play the drums. He tried.
But he was worse than me. So we decided that he would
sing. He has a nice voice. He was in a choir and a
musical play before. He even won a singing contest.
He was in Grade 5 then. He used to play the lead
guitar. But he didn’t practice too much so now he
plays the rhythm because chords are just easier to
play.

Then there’s me. I’ve never had lessons. Well
actually none of us have had any. But I can still
play basic beats. I’m not good. Honestly. If you
asked me to play in public, I would never do it
because I wouldn’t want to add it to my embarrassing
moments. I can play in an enclosed studio for fun.
But not on stage. At least not yet. :p

We play punk, emo and alternative songs. Songs that
we think we can play pretty well: City of Angels - the
Distillers, Gold Lion - Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Hands Down -
Dashboard Confessionals, High and Dry - Radiohead.
That’s if all of us are present.

I love music. I can play a lot of musical
instruments, but my latest obsession is the drum set.
I don’t have time to get real lessons yet, but soon I
will. Then I won’t have to suck anymore.

Ava_Martini

I thought my first blog post was done here in friendster.  But I got a message from xanga.com telling me to reactivate my account.  When I reactivated it, I was so surprised to see that I had wrote something four years ago… The only entry. hehe.  I’ll repost it here.  La lang..  Kakatuwa lang.  I remember what I was rambling about in this blog.  It was my being really close to graduating Cum Laude… as in 0.01 away from getting it… hehe. 

Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Graduation day is on April 24…  I’m experiencing a bittersweet play of my emotions.  I want to let out a breath of relief  and take in a deep breath of yearning.  I’m thankful for four years of college torture from the greatest university in our country, but no more.  Yet…  It’s like plunging into the unknown; leaving four years of familiarity to enter another chapter of my life. 

There are a lot of things I regret having done and not even having considered doing.  Seeing my final grade is like pouring a bucket of cold water on my head.  I’m so close yet so far…  Too late to change things, must accept them as they are… right?  Dwelling on ‘what ifs’ are a waste of energy…  But one cannot help let one’s mind wonder…  Shit!  I’m doing it again…  I should stop torturing myself…

Smile, Laugh., Cry, and then Smile again!  As I wrote in my thesis, It is finished…  What’s done is done.  What you gave was what you get.  What the heck are your wishful thinking for? 

The Lord loves me.  He loves me so much that he gave me more than I deserved.  I don’t deserve the blessings I received this semester…  I never asked for them, I never asked for anything this sem…  I never said anything, until the end.  When my half full became half empty, I looked back at what was happening.  I feel like banging my head on the wall!  Why did I choose that path?  Why did I decide to walk alone?  I became to confident on my mortal capabilities.  And as always, it failed.  I failed myself becuase I wanted to do it on my own.  But despite my hardheadedness, He did not leave me alone.  He did not leave my side.  He was always there, cheering me on, patting my back, motivating me, shaking his head, laughing with me, crying with me, bringing my mood up, making me laugh on my depressing moods.  I was too stupid to see that I was depressed because I wanted to be alone.  Because I ignored Him. 

Looking back, I saw traces of Him working behind the scenes.  Unbelievably too coincidental to be just my luck.  I smiled at them and patted my back at those times.  But I never hugged Him for it.  I never offered my praises like I sincerely used to do… 

Regrets…  Nah…  Experiences I learned something from…  Yeah.

I am not poetic

I’m shallow and pathetic

I like to write

It makes me sound bright

But I just have a hard time

Finding the right rhyme.

I wish I could write with flair

My poems and stories are fair

I wish there was something mystifying

Or something unique in my writing

But I know whatever it is, it’s not there…

I tried my hand at writing a song

I made a nice tune but the lyrics were wrong

It sounded too normal, regular and dull

It didn’t portray the real me at all.

Depression became the mood of my life

I dreamt I was alone in a room with a knife

I was lying in bed, getting ready

I thought I knew the end of this story

The only way it would ever be deep

Was if something happened to me in my sleep…

But a fairy tale crept in my brain

Of a sleeping beauty dying in vain

With a sip of a handsome Martini

Half full is now what was once half empty.

There was a choice to start the story again

A new part that I needed to append

This time it felt good to be cheesy

To be corny and be called Babhie.

So I’ll stop right here.

I made this too long, I fear.

This is the Karen Jane Cheer:

To strangers, I’ll still be shallow and pathetic.

But for them that make my life clear,

They know that I am poetic.

The Alchemist, Harry Potter  and Tita Ila – how are they connected to each other?  My Tita Ila introduced these books to me.  Yeah I’d heard of them, but I’m not one to buy a new book unless I’m pretty sure they’re good.  Before she left to wherever she needed to travel, she’d hand the books over to me and ordered me to read them.  Hehe.

  The Chronicles of Narnia and Jacinth – I read them in the order they were written.  Then she said there was another order I should have followed.  But no matter what the right way is, I loved it and lived in it.  I am currently suspended from Narnia but I’m going to make my way back in there again. Soon.  Or else I’ll be stuck in the real world forever… 

Ender’s Game and Tatint Again - Obviously we love to read.  This is a series book and I don’t think she’s finished the whole series yet.  Now, she’s going to find out that I have all the books in the Ender series.  I bought it in fully booked.  And I’m predicting she’s going to comment that she’s going to borrow it. You’ll have to come and get it here in Makati.  Hehe. We also share a secret genre that we will deny we read. You can take a guess but I will not speak of that which must not be spoken of.

Nancy Drew and Mums - when my mom was young she used to read the series.  She gave Tita Ila a Nancy Drew book and wrote a message on the cover.  Tita Ila gave me the book and wrote a message in it too.  I still have it and I still need to make sure it reaches the next generation. J

The Far Side Gallery and Bijot – my big brother.  He only reads picture books. Haha.  Peace.

The Crystal Shard and Anthony – I didn’t know I would like Forgotten Realms.  It sounded like a book for boys.  But I didn’t know I would like a certain boy either.  It sounded like a story from the genre that I deny reading. 

Witch, Jeahan and Bratinella – I was the one who introduced this to them…  I bought it to give it to my younger cousins.  But it kinda intrigued me too so I bought one for myself and collected it until I got myself a job and realized that I had to let go of one collection in order to save money. 

Baby - Sitters Club and Anna – In elementary, the very first book I ever read was a book from this series.  I liked it because Kristy’s baby sister is named Karen.   Then Anna also introduced me to the American Girl books.  I loved the Samantha series.  These two books got me addicted to reading.

Stephanie Plum and Cynes – my little sister and I have a favourite thrift shop in LB (it’s pretty famous) and she saw this book there.  It had an intriguing sentence to start the book with (which was how she judged a book) so we bought it.    

I need to meet more people.  I need to get introduced to more books. 

   Ramen – the real Korean deal

Strawberry Dutch Mill Yoghurt Drink

Onion Rings – (Don Henricos, Burger King, and Frankfurters)

Tuna Kilawin – Tuna House

Stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut – just the crust will do

Sinigang na Baboy from the canteen

Cerelac – Wheat and Banana

Kani Salad

Tekka Maki

Starbucks’ Iced/Frappucino White Chocolate Mocha

I am probably the worst worrier you’ve ever met.  I make myself go crazy double/triple checking everything just to make sure I didn’t make a mistake.  And even then I worry that I missed something out.  The moment I make a mistake, the word anxiety barely scratches the surface to describe how I feel.   If you’re really close to me, then you probably know how pathetic I sound when I worry.  I need at least 5 reassurance statements and maybe a good cry before I feel better.  I know it’s a bad habit.  I do try to break away from it.  Here are some ways that I do to try and relieve stress.  Some work but others are questionable… Hehe.

Prayer – ok this works.  It’s probably the only one with 100% guarantee that works in lowering my stress level.  Although, it’s still in the background, there’s something calming with knowing everything will turn out for the best because God’s there to take care of me.

Crying Session – Yes, I cry.  I’m a cry baby.  Not everyone knows this because I put on such a strong front.  But behind the scenes I have leaky tear ducts.  Whenever I see commercials or even a part of a movie where there’s a sad song or people crying I find myself having a hard time controlling my tears.  I once watched a national geographic documentary about merecats or creatures that looked like timon or pumba (can’t remember who’s who) and I had to run to a room and cry so that no one in my family could see.  I remember the nights that Tatint and I would have a movie marathon and cry our eyes out.  The comforting thing that this does is based on the people that I choose to cry with, (although technically I’m the only one doing the crying.)  Before the crying I get to tell them all my worries and the comfort given is just exactly what I need.

DVD Marathon – This works too.  Hehe.  Nothing like drowning in another world that makes you forget all you’re trouble. 

Creating a Playlist – I love music.  And making a playlist just gives me a lot of pleasure that I forget my worries.

Writing / Reading – This works because I write my worries and it doesn’t seem so big anymore.  Reading takes me out of the real world too.

Colouring – Um, to explain better.  I have a collection of colouring books. Fairies and butterflies are my favourite.  And I colour and it releases me from whatever I’m worrying about.  My latest favourite book is the one Anthony bought me in National Bookstore, it’s got felt material so it’s really unique and cool.

Massage – Ok, this only works if it doesn’t hurt.  I have a problem with complaining…  I don’t complain out loud.  And at the start I’ll say that I want a light massage.  And honestly not everyone can understand that I like it when there isn’t too much pressure.  Cause pressure freaking hurts!  And instead of taking away my stress, I’m more stressed out cause I’m silently yelling in my mind that it hurts.  So sometimes I end up really relaxed.  Sometimes I end up in enduring pain and double the stress I started with…

Hot Oil/Foot Spa – This one is just sheer pleasure… But this only occurs on days when I’m not in debt and still have enough money till the next salary pay out.  Hehe.

Browsing the Web – But with dial up in my room… Grrr.  It can be helpful or it can be just a pain in the arse…

Well…  Back to the real world… Better rest up.  5 days of stress, here I come…

I just recently watched the Bb Pilipinas 2008 in Youtube.  If you haven’t yet, you’ll see a 2 – 3 minute clip of the Q & A portion of the Winner.  It was a messy answer but I feel bad for her because people are so mean.  I read the comments in youtube and some of the people there said she sounded so dumb with the answer she gave.  I would agree that it was probably the worse answer I’ve ever heard in a contest.  But I would never call her names or curse her for doing what she did.  The comments in youtube were mostly about her trying to speak in English.  But some of them really didn’t fair so well in writing comments in English too.  And they weren’t even in front of a thousand live audiences and being judged for what they wrote.  I just wish the judges made a better choice to avoid such a controversy.  But since it’s already a done deal, they better train her to do an excellent job, as she is going to represent our country.

• Latest List…

Mulder and Scully (The X-Files) – This was my first obsession.  I used to have a scrapbook filled with magazine covers of the two and pictures that I’ve collected from different sources.  I even wrote to David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson and that’s how I got my autographed picture of them.  I even joined the official fan club, complete with a fan club ID and official X-Files Magazines.  I made my own X-files calling card.  I called myself spooky.  I collected the cards, the videos, and the fiction novels and books based on the story.  I bought the cap.  I watched the movie and bought the movie memorabillas.  I bought the original soundtrack CD.  I made an FBI ID for myself.  Shees…  Talk about borderline fanatic.  Do you really need more evidence why this is the first couple on the list?  Scully contradicted and complimented Mulder.  I loved their banter and the cases they tried to solve.  I stopped watching consistently when I got into college.  That was around the end of the 7^th Season…  Now, I’m saving up for the complete DVD series. 

Monica and Chandler (F.R.I.E.N.D.S.) – This I never get tired of watching.   I love the whole gang.  But I was really happy to finally see them get together.  I like these two better than Ross and Rachel.  Their relationship was really fun to watch.  They did everything to make it work until the very last episode.  I can watch episodes over and over and still laugh really hard.  Watching the final episode was bittersweet.  I never thought an episode of FRIENDS would have made me cry that hard…

Kevin Arnold and Winnie cooper (The Wonder Years) – Aw… I think I was in the 3^rd or 4^th grade when I started watching this show.  It was so cute because Kevin was really hung up on Winnie at a really young age.  Most shows were a girl’s point of view on young love.  But here we had a boy’s point of view and it wasn’t even a comedy.  So this was really a sweet show and I always remember my childhood days in Saipan when I think of this show.

Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski (Saved by the Bell) – No this is not the Korean show.  This was also part of my childhood days.  And I still have the song memorized.  This has a high school setting.  Zack is just a trouble maker and it’s a comedy only a young me would appreciate.  I’d probably roll my eyes if I watch this again.  It’s like the Archie comics made into a TV show. 

Meredith Grey and Mcdreamy (Grey’s Anatomy) – I Heart Mcdreamy!  This is my new favourite show.  Seriously.  I actually wanted to be a doctor.  Just like how I wanted to be an FBI before.  They have so many issues; it keeps me glued to find out how they solve one problem after another.

Tom and Lynette Scavo (Desperate Housewives) – They have the best relationship in this show.  I like how they really help each other out when the tough gets rough.  I also love it when they talk things out.  I really hope the writers don’t break this couple apart.

Some couples who make it to the list but not favourite enough so that they get their own write up…. Hehe

1.       Marge and Homer Simpsons

2.       Jim and Pam - The Office

3.       Eric and Donna – The 70’s Show

4.       Miss Fine and Mr. Sheffield – The Nanny (I’ve also memorized 

the song for this)
5.       Cole Turner and Phoebe Halliwell – Charmed



6.       Rory Gilmore and Jess Mariano – Gilmore Girls





 


** Next list to watch out for…  Favourite Movie Couples or Favourite RPG Game 
Couples

Karen comes from the name Catherine/Katherine - meaning PURE.

*Petpeeves… DO NOT CALL ME KJ or K or J! 

Ate Kat - My little sister calls me that.  And frankly she’s the only one who can get away with murdering my name…

Karen (pronounced as Keren) - Saipan friends.  They always asked me why my mom calls me Karen (pronounced as Kahren). 

Karen Jane - High School friends.  It just has to be complete.  hehe

Jane - One teacher in High School called me that.  Because there were just too many Karen’s in the class.  And honestly, I really don’t associate myself with the name Jane.  I wouldn’t turn around if you used that name, unless you threw something at me too…

Kaja - My block mates started it.  WAAAAH!!!  It sounds so "horrendous" as Simon likes to put it…

Sad ako - that name came from my super long hair days in college.  I got that name from scaring people a lot. hehe.  And I also used it when I was depressed…

Kawen - Tatint always had a hard time making the "r" sound.. haha.

Breank - It’s an anagram…  I used it as my pen name in some of my stories…  I used to pronounce it as "Brink"  people tease me by pronouncing it as "Brenk"  and Sir Rem innocently pronounced is as "Breyan K"…

Ava - My Narnian Name.  This is also my chat name.  There was a time I was a chataholic so I went under the guise of Ava Irune (Irune being the lead character of a story I never can get finished…)  It’s not really complete unless it has the Queen in front of it.  So that’s Queen Ava to you. :p

Ninang Karen - I love babies and children! :)  And I just found out recently that I’m gonna have new goddaughters and a godson.

Teacher Karen - Imagine 10 - 20 kids shouting that on the top of their lungs.  :) 

Miss Karen - wow… you’d think you’re addressing a really respectable professional person… haha. 

Babhie/Bhie - my favorite name and only one person can say use this. :p - MWAH!

Ava_Martini

Heavy breathing…  Deep breaths… Gasping for air… Lack of oxygen… Lack of colour… Narrowing vision…WAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I can’t breath!!!

Today, I finally got what I’ve been waiting for and I thought I’d be able to breathe easier now… But then the reality of an event has finally registered in my mind… And now I feel anxiousand stressed out.  I feel like I’m carrying a grand piano on my back…

I know I’ll be able to do what I need to do…I know I’ll succeed. I’m not gonna be doing it alone… God’s got my back… But the process of getting there… OMG, I start to hyperventilate when I think about it… I know I’ll be able to get through it… Everything happens for a reason and the reason is you… ay, sounds familiar…  Anyway,

Whatever happens, I will still be me. And that makes the piano feel like an accordion now… at least it’s a bit lighter… :p 

On a lighter note…  Happy Valentines day!  Hammy => MWAH!

Ava_Martini